.. of the aluminium dinghy, vacuuming the Axminster or bathing the pigs.
The watch’s movement is composed of either 686 or 694 parts (depending
on whom you believe) that come together to form twelve of the most allegedly
consequential horological complications**; the tourbillon, perpetual calendar,
moon age, leap year cycle, day of the week, month, date, fly back, minute
repeater, sky chart, moon phases and orbit. The reverse dial reveals the angular
progression of the stars and moon from the Northern Hemisphere*** and allows
the wearer to observe the waxing and waning of the Earth's satellite - all
vitally important things for you to know with a quick glance at your wrist.
Whilst I am full of admiration for the skilled craftsmen who make an object
of such great ingenuity handcrafted at microscopic levels, (but which is no
more useful or accurate than the $140 Seiko that I have worn for years), I
do wonder at the utility at needing to know the phases of the moon. The purpose
is obvious: to tell other wealthy bastards that you are a wealthy bastard,
but also one with a more privileged and socially recognised place in the world
- one where a Rolex is definitely vulgar.
Rather than decry this needless frivolity I would rather that these Swiss
craftsmen turned their considerable ingenuity to making a toaster that worked
– a task that I would have thought simple but which has never been achieved.
An elegantly designed, reliable toaster into which you could put any reasonably
sized piece of bread and have it come out an even brown colour - rather like
the young Elle McPherson’s suntan would be appropriate.
And I mean that it must toast at least two slices of any sort of bread; from
supermarket zero nutrition sawdust reinforced fluff to my favourite Irrewarra
casalinga sourdough. As well as crumpets and bagels which (as you well know)
require different cooking temperatures on each side. It must do so whether
the bread is fresh or out of the deep freeze and require no supervision or
intervention. The toast must exit the toaster at a height that means that
it can be easily removed without burning one’s hand on any hot surface.
It must be child proof, pet proof and idiot proof, meaning that it can tell
when a foreign object such as a hand, knife or budgerigar has been introduced
and react appropriately and toast the budgie. It must last for at least ten
years without any intervention - apart from cleaning. Every product that comes
off the assembly line must be built to the same high standard**** . Failure
is not an option.
Simple, but to this date unachieved by any toaster on the market commercial
or domestic. I say this as a person who has tried everything from bread on
a toasting fork in front of a fire, (hand me the asbestos gloves), the early
devices that opened out on each side (bandage those blisters), hotel dining
room ovens that resemble a pizza oven and deposit your burnt toast on the
dining room floor (hand me my dancing pumps), to stainless steel appliances
that hide your toast where it cannot be reached without surgical intervention
…. just before they trip all the fuses in the house. Oh, that’s
my current toaster, a Sunbeam that does not spread much cheer. It looks the
part and on paper it has all the right specifications ……however
it doesn’t toast evenly, is as slow as a wet week, and the toast does
not come out far enough, despite the presence of a so-called high lift lever.
Rather expensive, though not in the realms of English Dualit New-Gen Toaster
Emma Bridgewater, which (I am not making this up) costs upward of $549.95.
For a toaster with polka dots?
We have landed vehicles on Mars, made cars that park themselves and we can
travel in high speed trains under the English Channel sipping Champagne. Therefore
this challenge cannot be beyond the capabilities of a least one product engineering
group somewhere in the world. We have cars that react when they are possibly
going to hit a human, (though not apparently a kangaroo), so identifying the
difference between a round crumpet or square or oval piece of bread cannot
be beyond the realms of possibility. We have electronics and probes that function
in the most hostile environment of outer space for years on end, from super-hot
to super-cold whilst subject to blasts of high-intensity radiation, so reliability
ought not be a problem. We have sensors that tell if a gnat is running a temperature
at 400 metres and electronics that can distinguish more colour variations
than the human eye. It’s all possible.
After our team of designers, electronic engineers, systems analysts and manufacturing
engineers have finally succeeded in overcoming the last frontier of domestic
frustration they can take a day off happy that they have succeeded where others
have failed. The first electric toaster was invented in 1893 so it’s
about time that we got something so apparently trivial right. World peace
will surely follow.
The rarely change hands (pun intended). One sold in Hong Kong in 2011 for
$1,164,008 so they hold their value.
In watch terminology a complication is a feature from the second hand, perpetual
calendars and then moving up to other less necessary features as described
above. As a matter of interest my Seiko is very ‘uncomplicated’
not even possessing a second hand which is only a problem when cooking steaks
to the required level of rareness or holding one’s breath.
* They
rarely change hands (pun intended). One sold in Hong Kong in 2011 for $1,164,008
so they hold their value.
** In watch
terminology a complication is a feature from the second hand, perpetual calendars
and then moving up to other less necessary features as described above. As
a matter of interest my Seiko is very ‘uncomplicated’, not even
possessing a second hand, which is only a problem when cooking steaks to the
required level of rareness or holding one’s breath.
*** Does this mean that this complication is of less use in the Southern Hemisphere?
**** Which rules out the almost adequate Breville 630 Lift and Look Touch
Toaster whose Chinese manufacture means a 15% failure rate if we are to believe
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